bouldersandbrews: (Harle Leaping)
"Why didn't you believe me?"

It comes out small, sad, and plaintive - a surprise to her, as her voice for the past forty-five minutes has been calm, cool, dispassionate. The fact that she's said it at all surprises her - she certainly didn't intend to say it, didn't intend to go anywhere near the topic at all. She hadn't written it down on her list, hadn't even thought of it. Even if she had considered it she probably wouldn't have written it down - too touchy a subject. Which is somewhat laughable, considering the touchiness of everything else on her list. But she chose to shy away from it.

A choice that was remade without her even thinking of it.

She recognizes the small, sad little voice - Little Amara peeking out from her fortress of pillows. That adorable, innocent face, that bowl-cut hair, somewhere between blonde and brown... those sad, hurt little green eyes. All she's ever wanted to know was why Mommy didn't believe her. She sees an opportunity to finally have her most important question answered, and seizes it in her chubby little hands.

"Why didn't you believe me?"

Her voice cracks somewhere around "believe", which is another surprise to her. Those five words cause her more pain to utter than she would have believed, had one told her about it previously. She's never asked it. Never brought it up, that great unspoken shame that has always lurked between them.

She listens to her mother's answer, hears the pain in her mother's voice, the relived fear. It's nothing surprising, nothing she hadn't assumed was the answer before. There was really only one answer that could have been. But somehow hearing it from her... doesn't quite ease the years-old pain, but it... somehow soothes Little Amara's sad, broken little heart... and starts to heal.

FINE. Damn.

Jan. 3rd, 2013 02:26 pm
bouldersandbrews: (Ursula - Yeah right)
I don't want to do this. But realizing that it's Thursday, and I'm talking to Mom next week... I have to make a list of what I need to say to her, to refer to, so I don't forget anything (or worse, get all emotional and spastic and... uh, forget things).

I'll put it all behind a cut so you can skip it if you like. Can't blame you if you do skip it. It's my life and I want to skip this part of it.

Do yourself a favor, skip it. No seriously. )

Ugh! I can't take any more of this right now.

...

Dec. 2nd, 2012 05:42 pm
bouldersandbrews: (Sephiroth - Nice view)
She feels a dull ache begin in her head, spreading quickly to her heart and stomach. She then feels a pressure in her throat, almost an ache, and the first tear slides down her cheek.

They're leaving.

It's the kind of thing one is vaguely aware of, like one is vaguely aware that people in Africa eat monkeys. Vaguely aware of it, but it doesn't have any sort of real impact because it isn't immediate, real, there.

But if one were to travel to Africa and actually see it happen -

They're leaving!

She knew it had to happen someday, that there was no logical reason for her to believe that Hayden and Lindsay would both spend the rest of their lives in San Diego. But to realize that in just over two weeks, they'd be gone -

It hits her. She feels like she imagines it would feel to be punched in the stomach with no warning. She's vaguely tempted to ask someone to punch her in the stomach for the sole purpose of having a basis for comparison. But that won't change the facts.

They're leaving...

Lindsay's trip to Australia is sort of drastic, she feels - but it'll be good for Lindsay to experience life away from her family for a few months. She feels that Lindsay needs that kind of experience, that kind of freedom. And after all, Lindsay's coming back in six months or so - this isn't a permanent move. True, it's almost half a year - and that's a long time - but at least she's coming back.

But Hayden...

She's always felt more of a connection with Hayden. Lindsay is sweet, funny, fun to be around - very likable, but what the two of them have in common is fairly surface. They have similar personality traits, similar viewpoints on many things. Hayden, though - they share personality traits as well. They share interests, humor, their rage at the world. She feels that she can be more herself around Hayden - that she can allow him to see some of the darkness she keeps caged up. Certainly not all of it - but more than she can show Lindsay, princess of sweetness and light. Hayden knows and understands darkness. One of the things she likes so much about Lindsay is that Lindsay doesn't know or understand darkness. That makes her likable, but it also means that she cannot relate to her as well.

And Hayden's leaving. Moving away to the East Coast. Not coming back in six months. Maybe not coming back ever. The thought depresses her enormously. She knows that he needs to get out of - at least his mother's house, if not the area entirely. She knows he needs to start a life of his own, a life that's his, that he can live without having to answer to his parents - a life that he can bring a wife into, someday. She knows it's entirely selfish, her sorrow at his moving away. And sure, there's texting, Facebook, Skype - but she looks at it, brutally and frankly - they rarely text, Facebook, or Skype now, and she doesn't expect that to change. No one texts/Skypes their stepmom. How very uncool.

And so she sighs and prepares to drown her sadness in alcohol. Because sometimes what cannot be changed or dealt with must just be drowned for a while.
bouldersandbrews: (Freya - Rains of Tragedy)

I mourn.

I mourn for what the church used to be.

...No... I mourn for what I used to think the church was.

Maybe I mourn for who I used to be, when I thought the church was great, the pillar of my life.

Either way, something has drastically changed, and I find myself grieving.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

bouldersandbrews: (Sailor Pluto - Dead Scream)
This is why thinking is bad. Thinking leads to more thinking. More thinking leads to dark depressing thoughts. Dark depressing thoughts lead to introspection. Introspection leads to the husband asking what you're thinking about, which leads to you telling him... which leads to more introspection, which leads to stripping away layers of denial and more wonderful awful truth coming out... which leads to the wife burying her face in a game in order to avoid more dark depressing thoughts.
bouldersandbrews: (Default)
Days like today, I realize that I kind of really dislike people.

I was going to write 'hate', but that's too strong. I don't really hate people. I just get really tired of their crap sometimes.

I really dislike being the only one who apparently has any responsibility whatsoever in maintaining friendships. As such, I have decided to just stop. I'm not dealing with it anymore. People that have decided that they only have time for me when they want to, and otherwise no, but I'll be the one expending all the effort? No. I'm done here.

What really sucks is that these are people I actually, genuinely care about... but their actions - or, I suppose, lack of actions - hurt me. I don't really need more hurt, wouldn't you agree? So I'm done. Not trying anymore. I'll be polite on those very rare occasions in which they feel a need to contact me. If they call me on my silence, I'll be polite but blunt: I don't have time for people who don't have time for me. And that's that.

I'm also really sick of going on Facebook and seeing people bitching out others about religion, politics, sexual orientation, whatever. Or else - well, what it really comes down to is, I'm sick of people being douchebags to each other. Really sick of it. I'd deactivate my Facebook entirely if I could still access my MoW account without it, but I can't. So Facebook stays up. And if I had any sort of self-control whatsoever, I'd stop myself from reading my feed and seeing the douchebaggery... but let's face it, I don't. I'm some sort of emotional masochist or something. Can't stop myself. I don't think I get off on the pain, but who knows? Wouldn't that sort of explain, I don't know, MY ENTIRE FREAKING LIFE up to this point?

It wouldn't be so bad if I made friends really easily. But I don't, and therefore each one is precious to me, and sucks even more when I lose them.
bouldersandbrews: (Auron - Badass)
I know I've said this before, but I'm really tired of making overtures of friendship to people that have no time for me. Okay, you have a life, you're busy - that's fine. But don't bitch at me when I stop trying and be all 'why don't you ever call/write/text anymore?' Because you have no time for me and I can take a hint.

...That is all.
bouldersandbrews: (Sailor Pluto - Dead Scream)
My head hurts. Bet you couldn't tell that from my subject line, though. :P

It has been a busy month.

Wow, I don't even know where to begin. Here are my major talking (typing?) points, though, and maybe I'll get through them:

New car.
New place.
Greg.
Balboa Park.
Passover etc.
Diet.
TMI type stuff.
Jess.
That might be all, we'll see.

So new car. The HMS was making funny noises, so Dave took it in to the mechanic, and it died a block before it got there. The engine was terminal, so we decided that, rather than get the HMS a new engine, it was time to buy a new car. Long story short, we're now driving a thus-far-unnamed Buick Century. Which runs. Nicely. And it's comfortable. And it looks cool.

Next... new place. So after the HMS died, we decided we needed to cut expenses (since either way, whether we fixed the HMS or bought a new car, it would be about the same amount, which was more than we could afford), and our place, while wonderful, is more than we can afford, so we started place-hunting again... long story short, Larry the Landlord knocked the rent back a bit, I'm going to get a part-time job, so we're staying here.

So Dave's brother Greg was arrested last month on a twenty-year-old DUI charge, he was extradited to California, so we've been going up on Friday nights, staying at Dave's mom's, and Dave and Cathy have been visiting Greg in the morning. Not a bad thing at all, just tiring, because it's almost a two-hour drive up and back. Apparently Greg's doing well, by the way, and we're hoping the judge will throw this out, since after the DUI Greg stopped breaking the law completely and it was twenty years ago.

Balboa Park. Hayden's been doing this parkour thing in the park every other Sunday, so since Sundays are our day with the kids, we've been going and hanging out in the park till Hayden's done parkouring. It ends up being a long day, but Balboa Park's nice. Linz and I are kind of getting a little tired of it, though, so we're trying to think up something fun to do tomorrow while Hayden's parkouring.

So Tuesday night we go up to Harold's for the Passover service (or, if you're us, it's the Lord's Supper and we just refer to it as Passover because we're... lazy? Less syllables. I dunno). Dave's excited because he's been asked to speak, and does a great job (I'm really proud of him). Drive back that night, get around the next day to have the Beatties over for Night To Be Much Observed or, The Old Testament Passover. Okay, this entire paragraph so far has been a bow in David Beattie's direction :-) Anyways, we have them over, I fail at the yams, Dave fails at the fire, but we all have fun anyway, and end up staying up way too late. Andrew stays the night with us, and the next morning we chat before he goes back home to LA.

What's next? Oh, the freaking diet of doom. So I've stopped with the garlic and the pills, and I've started with pau d'arco tea, coconut oil, and undecenoic acid. Since I have the worst memory evar, I can't say whether it's working or not, since sometimes I don't remember to take it. If I were to remember to do so, though, it might work, who knows? I really need to remember to do this, though. Honestly, how can I seriously expect to beat this thing if I don't remember to do the treatments? Blar.

The TMI is LJ-cut, I'm a merciful crazy person :P )

So my sister. I really don't even know what to say about this, but I'm obsessing. I just can't stop thinking about her. I'm sure this fact will piss her off, because she seems ultra-volatile lately, but she's my sister, and I love her, and I'm seriously worried about her. I think that's all I'm going to say about it, for now anyway.

So that might actually be everything now. I'm hungry. I know that. Yeah, so, food. Right on it.

...

Mar. 24th, 2009 04:10 pm
bouldersandbrews: (Agrias - Quiet Determination)
So Jen had her baby. I'm happy for her, honestly.

It bothers me though, because it's been two months since I lost my Raisin, and in four months I should have a baby.

Okay, this is why I haven't posted anything lately. Angst, angst, angst. If I'm not feeling sorry for myself because I feel like crap, I'm feeling sorry for myself because - what? I have an incompetent body?

Well, that would explain everything, wouldn't it?

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