FINE. Damn.

Jan. 3rd, 2013 02:26 pm
bouldersandbrews: (Ursula - Yeah right)
[personal profile] bouldersandbrews
I don't want to do this. But realizing that it's Thursday, and I'm talking to Mom next week... I have to make a list of what I need to say to her, to refer to, so I don't forget anything (or worse, get all emotional and spastic and... uh, forget things).

I'll put it all behind a cut so you can skip it if you like. Can't blame you if you do skip it. It's my life and I want to skip this part of it.

Not in any particular order.

1 - You dropped the ball hardcore on raising us into adults. You never taught us how to cook, clean, budget - nothing we'd need for adulthood. You didn't even teach us how to become adults by example, or even a lack of example - I went into adulthood completely and totally unprepared.

2 - You didn't know Dad was a child molester when you married him, okay. But after the truth of the matter came out, you let him back into our home. Nay, invited him back with open arms. You left Jess and I in danger to satisfy your own needs.

3 - You called me a whore when I got married. Told me that the only reason I was getting married was that I was already pregnant. You seem to want to sweep this under the rug, too, pretend it never happened - but it did and I can't let this go.

4 - You don't like my husband. By itself this wouldn't be a big deal, but your stubborn insistence that you do when it's obvious that you don't makes this an issue.

5 - Your behavior toward me vs. Jess growing up, the ridiculous obvious favoritism, was so completely unfair.

6 - You allowed Dad to do whatever he wanted and forsook our needs in the bargain. I understand the entire obeying-your-husband thing, but you can't do that when you have children to raise and your husband's actions endanger those children.

7 - You want to pretend like nothing ever happened, like our childhood was great and you're a paragon of motherhood, when this is not the case.

8 - You've never believed in me. Not once. You tore down my dreams with your disapproval. Never encouraged me to aim high - to aim at all at anything that wasn't wife-and-mother.

9 - You let me believe that I was worthless. You let Dad tell me that I was worthless. You're weak, I get it, fine, didn't want to contradict your meal ticket Dad, fine. You never even tried to repair the damage he'd done - only compounded it.

10 - You tried to make me your best friend. Told me details of your sex life before I was old enough to understand anything you were telling me. (Well, if the whole incident hadn't happened.) This in itself was a form of sexual abuse, I think - one that has affected me my entire life.

11 - Your particular method of "childrearing" forced Jess and I to raise ourselves, to grow up way faster than we ever should have - and anything good we accomplished in ourselves and each other you take credit for now, without also taking responsibility for the damage you did - far greater than anything Jess and I managed to accomplish.

12 - You ditched me - again - to keep your needs satisfied, in Maryland. Continued to justify it. Tried to make your - once again - egregious neglect of me into my fault, my responsibility, instead of something that was at least partially your fault. Not my actions - but your reactions - or, rather, complete lack thereof. You shouldn't have let him do that. You shouldn't have let me go without a fight. Doing so only reinforced that you don't care about me, not really.

13 - Every single time I've brought any of this up in the past, you've continued to justify yourself without giving the slightest thought to the facts - that I'm your daughter, that you've caused me pain, that I'm in pain because of your actions, and that your continued justification of those actions again only tells me that you don't care about me.

14 - You used religion as an excuse to continue your life of bogarting the SNES and ignoring us when you were supposed to be teaching and educating us. I have no idea how I graduated high school, since you never taught me a damn thing and I was a kid and therefore didn't do much to educate myself. May not have been a problem, except that you were ostensibly homeschooling us. (This one's a two-parter, the religion and the lack of education.)

15 - The sheer magnitude of your neglect of us is astonishing. How could you not have noticed that I didn't brush my teeth once for about three years? How could you have allowed me to go to school in the same clothes - one of Dad's old work shirts - for days and days on end? How could you have allowed me to go unbathed for weeks at a time? How could you not have noticed this - and if you did notice it, how could you not have done anything about it?

16 - You helped me believe that I'm losing my mind. Remember that conversation when you tried to get me to stop saying that things sucked (not for any real concern for my vocabulary, but because it made you look like a bad mother, I learned that one later). I protested that I didn't say it all that often, and you said that I'd just said it again? Remember that? I knew I hadn't said it then, but then, and ever since, I question everything I say, wondering if I've said things I'm unaware of - because of you.

17 - You hold in a certain level of disdain and contempt, even now. I haven't lived my life the way you wanted me to - and any time we talk you let me know it. You don't approve of who I married. You don't approve of how I lead my spiritual life. You don't approve of my friends. You're jealous of the relationship I have with Cathy. You're judgmental of how I'm handling the endo. You still refuse to accept that I'm an adult and fully capable of making my own decisions - though I'll be damned if I have any idea how I've managed it, since I had no help in the matter whatsofreakingever.

Ugh! I can't take any more of this right now.


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